The History of Cold Cans
It all started when…
The brands “Nick Patri” and “Joey Glocke” formed Cold Cans Media, LLC in Washington state. The company’s mission was to create content that would rank the top one hundred (100) beers of all-time. The primary source of content was the entertainment podcast “Cold Cans: The Top 100 Beers of All-Time,” though the company later included its social media offerings in the platform.
Setting off on their journey, Nick and Joey released their first episode on April 7th, 2017, where they debuted Miller Lite at the #1 spot. The podcast grew weekly with mild success, and #ColdCansNation was formed. Segments were introduced, such as “Pairable or Terrible” and “Glocke’s Gripes.”
Soon the boys were joined by friends and guests Nik and Braden from Canada, Casey Reierson as a “boots on the ground” correspondent, Joey’s wife Devon Glocke, The Princess of Pineapples Brittaney Bunjong, the boys’ lawyer Spencer Morris, Nick’s brother Zach Patri, and superfan/future commissioner of cold cans @Brooksmatic Brooks Erikson.
A rotating cast of unpaid interns soon launched their Twitter feed, @coldcanspod, which quickly amassed bot followers until Twitter purged these users in 2018.
Devon launched a legitimate and well-curated Instagram feed, @coldcanspod. This feed led to numerous growth opportunities for live events and free merchandise, most of which the boys squandered.
Casey loosely participated in a Snapchat feed which centered around the exploits of a local Manawa bar called “Bear Lake”. His content focused on a local Manawa man named “Nubby” and a bartender that he took an unnatural interest in.
The boys sold merch through their website, but paid little attention to their remaining stock and frequently ran out of items after customers ordered them, at times delaying shipment by months.
The show’s fledgling, mild success led the boys to pay celebrities for interviews, such as former governor Jesse Ventura and Hollywood stalwart Woody Harrelson. They later expanded to members of the local Seattle beer community such as Optimism Brewing’s founders and Pyramid Brewing’s head brewer.
As their content backlog grew, the boys’ subjective nature of ranking beers did as well, and they were not prepared for the list to grow past 20 episodes. This led to the formation of both a “beer tier” system (Cream of the Crop, The Zen Ten, Wild Card, Mild Card, The Olive Loaf, The Deplorables, and Russian Radioactives) as well as The Great Re-Rank of 2018, where they arbitrarily slotted an assortment of past beers in new positions.
In early 2018, the boys’ mental health deteriorated as a result of work and travel obligations, and their content began to suffer. Joey took an interest in freestyle improvised rap, a skill he was not suited for. Nick brought new friends to the show, such as the incomprehensible underground creature Pollum. Together, their focus drifted to complaining about airlines.
These events led their lawyers to suggest hiring a series of producers to bring a new direction to the show. Their first hire was the son of a former guest, Woody Harrelson. Brian Harrelson lasted an unspecified number of episodes before his untimely and unsolved death, parts of which were captured on episode 51, “Bud Light Lime.” Without the computer knowledge to remove the episode from the feed, the boys’ lawyers moved swiftly, threatening all listeners with theft and defamation lawsuits if anyone listened to the episode. The open threat continues to this day.
Moving on from Brian, the boys hired Sydney, who appeared on episode 50, “Uinta Baba Black Lager”. She later left without warning, and her disappearance, too, is unsolved to this day.
Finally, the boys hired Matt, who currently mans the 1s and 2s. Matt also appears as a third co-host when called upon.
Things progressed in a slow but positive manner until “The Incident” at the Sea-Tac Delta SkyLounge in late 2018. Accounts of these events vary, but both the “Joey Glocke” and “Nick Patri” brands released a statement.
The aftermath tore apart the fabric of their relationship. They broke up, but due to contractual obligations with their parent company, Cold Cans Media, LLC, agreed to alternate episodes with new friends as guests.
During their breakup the show went on an extended hiatus, fracturing #ColdCansNation. Nick was not heard from, and a mentally-deteriorating Joey travelled the world reviewing beers in an unaffiliated freelance capacity.
The first show under their new agreement was episode 75, “Wells Banana Bread Beer”. Nick brought on special guest, Brett Cavre, a man he met at a butcher shop liquidation sale. Cavre was famous for having invented the olive loaf and other types of processed meats. Near the conclusion of his appearance, Cavre appeared to threaten Nick’s life, leaving listeners unsure of Nick’s safety. He was later found alive. Cavre has not been heard from since.
The next show under the new agreement was episode 76, “Henry Weinhard’s Private Reserve”. In this episode, Joey snuck into the studio by booking the space on behalf of his friend and guest, Brody O’Vac, a man he met flying business class to Tokyo. Joey, banned from the studio by Nick, convinced Matt to allow him to stay for the episode. Brody, a laid-back spirit interested in “Zen,” discussed his small business where he enlists others to charge scooters for him. Near the conclusion of his appearance, Brody revealed his shakedown-esque business model and threatened both Matt and Joey. During a moment of Zen-fueled meditation, Matt rushed from the studio to retrieve Nick. Upon arriving and discovering Joey inside, Nick was immediately enraged. However, after a level-setting on the SkyLounge incident, emotions flooded over the boys and they agreed to reunite for the final 24 contractually-obligated episodes.
As the boys close in on their final episodes, they promised their listeners a Fyre-festival-esque Cold Cans Summit, a “Cold Cans Colsch” small batch beer, and live shows in both Seattle and Manawa. These promises are dubious at best, but signify their renewed vigor to close out the show.
Who could say what else lay in wait for Nick, Joey, and #ColdCansNation. Will they return home, straight to the dairy mill? Will more friends join them? Will the Seattle PD finally gather the evidence they need to put them away for life?
We know one thing for sure: the rides gonna be chilly chilly.